I miss…

I’m too depressed and sad to go to work, or go out for that matter. But I miss the beach, the sound of the waves crashing, the way it throws me off the shore, the majestic view, the heat of the sun, holding hands while listening to reggae music and sipping mango shake, or drinking ice cold beer. I might go this weekend and the next and the one after that, but i’ve got no one to hold hands with. =( I just want to be alone and stay lost for a while, keep my mind off things.

OK Flickr Photos, missing the old days, depressing. *sigh*

I was going through files last night and I realized that I have posted a number no wait, A LOT of photos in my flickr account and A LOT of which have been burried because it only shows the latest 200 photos uploaded, for the free account at least. So using my paypal money (i earned through blogging) I upgraded my flickr to a PRO account and voila! I was able to retrieve my old pictures and I had a good laugh although soon enough I felt depressed as well. Why? Because I miss those days where I had no worries and just drank the night away, or mornings for that matter. I did not care whether I go to the office drunk with only 2 hours of sleep and still reeking of alcohol. I also miss the people, most of them have resigned. Oh and one more thing, I was fat and I looked healthy, not anorexic.

Me and Marlon when we were fat

And this is us now, looking anorexic.  

More random alcohol intoxicated, fat photos 

Running to stand still

It sucks to not know if what you’re doing is the right thing or not. Well, the fact is that you really don’t get to know, and that sucks more. You just blindly go with the flow and ride the waves of life under the influence of your so called principles and beliefs. All you can do is wait and see where it might lead you and hope that its a better place. But often times its not and you contemplate, should you have gone the other way what would have happened? Being stuck in such a situation is just torture. I am too busy battling my insecurities, fighting boredom at work with a smile on my face, trying hard to avoid complaining about how horrible life is and how alone I feel at times. I don’t know how to steer clear of these problems and because of them I barely feel human enough to function. Or perhaps being this affected only shows how human I am, in that case I wish I was a robot so I won’t feel anything. This all seems like a bad dream, one that I can’t escape, I scream at the top of my lungs but no one hears me, I want to wake up now.  But no matter how hard I try to pull myself out, loneliness creeps and slowly pulls me back in and Im suffocated. It sheds darkness to the last flicker of hope I am holding on to. I feel so helpless. I don’t know how long this will go on, all I know is the longer it takes the more it divests me of my sanity and the deeper I fall into despair. So I go about my day with complete indifference. I was told to just hold on and follow the sun. Well, I’m holding on to dear life, but its letting go.

Busy much?

Would you believe I haven’t seen my blog in a week? Yes, I haven’t been able to update my blog because I was assigned to go walk around and coach the team. I’m not complaining though, it is part of my job description, I just haven’t done it in a while and I forgot how stressing it was. Good thing it lasted for just a week, I miss my computarrr and I miss being able to twirl my chair and wheel it around the area or from station to station. Most of all, I miss being able to eat while working, I can’t really do that while I’m walking around the floor and coaching, unless I eat sandwiches. BUT MY STOMACH YEARNS FOR KANIIIIN!!! I had to use my breaks to eat rice, which normally I would use it for going outside to buy taho. =( 

So anyway, updates. My mom left for the states last Sunday, she will stay there for a while, (I don’t really know how long) I guess until she fixes our papers, then we would have to go there too. I don’t think that’s gonna happen anytime soon though. So I spent my Sunday at the airport, my mom cried, she probably thought she would never see us again, lol. Before the airport, the entire day was spent with our relatives, they were saying their goodbyes and giving her lists of things to buy and send via balikbayan box, lol again. Then there was the never ending reminders she had for me about my drinking sprees, bills, work, future plans and boys, super lol. Oh and she got a car before she left, for me! Well, not exactly for me, its for home use which means its for my sister’s use as well. And by home I mean Subic, so I really can’t bring it here in Manila. Iknoerite? Also, since I was at the airport I didn’t get to go to the Incubus concert with TJ. *le sigh*

I also bought a new phone. I know I just got a new one last December, but I don’t like it anymore, meh. I can never be satisfied with a cellphone, I think I kept one for a year and that’s the longest time I’ve had the same phone. Don’t get me started with how the prices go down quickly. It’s annoying.

Anyway, despite the exhausting week that was, I still got a chance to unwind because we had our team outing at Kabayan Resort in Batangas during the weekend. I enjoyed the breakfast/lunch/dinner buffet they prepared for us. Oh and I gained two pounds. LOL. Scroll for the pictures, there ain’t much of me cus I started drinking when they were playing the games and doing other team activities and I passed out and could not remember a thing. I think I puked on someone, at least that’s what they told me. I guess its good to finally let it out, see I’ve been feeling like I need to throw up (out of the blue) the past few days it’s annoying. I try to control it but the feeling gets worse. Having been intoxicated with that much alcohol made it easier, I couldn’t even remember throwing up, and on someone for that matter. Ok, gross, again, pictures, scroll.

Arriving at the resort

Oh teh lunch buffet!

Marlon with Rene Salud, yes that’s him

Spaghetti for merienda, and this is an hour after we had lunch.

Photohunt: Different

YAY! My first photohunt entry for March. I know I said I’ll remember NOT to forget posting entries for the scavenger hunt, but I keep forgetting!! Anyway, this week’s photohunt theme is Different. This is a photo of my (partially seen) wallet and monnies(!!) which are of a different country. (I was in HK, but I had US dollars with me too.)

For more info on the mechanics of photohunt go here.

A book meme!

Just as I was squeezing my head in the hopes of getting something out of it that I can write about, what do you know, I look at my shoutbox and see a message from Kimmy that said "Penny, you’re tagged!" Oh the joy! These memes, I don’t like them that much but they sure come in pretty handy at times like this. Anyway, I went to Kimmy’s blog and found a rather intersting meme waiting for me. Im suppose to grab the nearest book which has like 123 pages or more, go to the 123rd page, find the fifth sentence (read it) and post the next three here. (Oh and I’m suppose to tag five people afterwards.)

So I quickly scanned the objects around my workstation, NO BOOK. I turn to my right and bend a little to reach for my pedestal and ransack it. After five minutes of digging and papers (unsigned appraisal forms, pep forms and scoresheets) flying all over the place, I finally felt something hardbound. Giggling excitedly, I pulled it (it was a little heavy so I was thinking maybe Harry Potter) out of the drawer and to my dismay, it wasn’t Harry Potter, not even close. It was my training manual! So I guess this doesn’t count as a book, I wouldn’t want to bore you with the stuff that was in it, plus that’s company’s proprietary information so I really can’t post it here. Where did I get a book then? Well I had to go to my workmate’s station, I remember he borrowed one from me, I was hoping he had it stashed there somewhere and he did. I found it in his in and out tray.

‘Im sick,’ said Wilson without moving. ‘Been sick all day.’

‘What’s the matter?’

‘I’m all run down.’

I tag Mica, Tom, Janus, Celle, and Sarah.